It seems, for some obscure reason or
reasons, that there are people out there who get their
kicks out of emailing computer viruses to other people.
Apparently, I am one of those lucky people that they have
deemed worthy of these viral gifts, and I know I'm certainly
not alone on this infectious mailing list. Steve Bamford
at ARC
told me he gets about 10 - 12 of these things on a daily
basis.
My first reactions are anger and frustration, which I
don't think are unreasonable or unusual feelings towards
a deliberate attempt by persons unknown to wreak havoc
on my virtual happy place. After the desire to seek out
these unscrupulous individuals and string them up by their
floppy disks subsides, I am left with but one question:
why?!? What do they hope to accomplish by injecting daily
dosages of infectious material into the World Wide Web?
Is it merely a bit of a lark, a bit of wicked fun, like
filling your sister's shoes with custard or sticking the
pancake batter gun into your co-worker's pants and pulling
the trigger? Or is there some grand and nefarious plan
to somehow topple the infrastructure of modern society
by attacking model airplane websites?
Being the reasonably intelligent person I am, I attempt to put myself
into the mindset of someone who likes to send computer viruses in order
to try and understand the whys and wherefors. Admittedly, intelligence may
be more of a hindrance in this case as we're clearly not dealing with mental
giants here. Nonetheless, I have come up with several theories.
I'll start with the two I've already mentioned:
1) All a bit o' fun. Just some happy go lucky, fun lovin' pranksters who have a bunch of virus
programs sitting about like water balloons waiting to be tossed at unsuspecting
passersby. Hee hee hee.... Gosh darn it, you crazy kids - I'm laughing myself
silly here! No really, keep those cards and letters coming. Computer viruses
are just the funniest damn things since the combination whoopee cushion/landmine
hit the market.
2) A grand and nefarious plan to somehow topple
the infrastructure of modern society by attacking model airplane websites.
Us nerdy modelling types naively think we're just innocently
enjoying a relaxing pastime that never did anyone any
harm - not counting glue sniffing. Oh no my friends. Plastic
models are the very fabric of our civilisation, a billion
dollar industry. Strike a blow at modellers and you strike
down the cornerstone of capitalism. Furthermore, what
are most mainstream injection moulded kits made of? Plastic!
And what is a major constituent of plastic? Oil! Yes indeed
my fellow polystyrene protagonists; taking the modeller
out of the economic equation will not only topple the
mighty capitalist giants, but will also bring the Middle
East oil producers to their knees. Could this be just
the beginning? Is my next kit purchase liable to contain
deadly anthrax or nerve gas? Just what is in those
little tubes of glue that you get with some Japanese kits?!?
Where it all goes a little fuzzy for me is how a virus in my inbox will
get me to stop buying and building model airplanes. I'm sure they've got
that all worked out.
3) A disgruntled modeller striking back at me
for saying his tailplanes were crooked and he can't paint to save his life.
Fair enough. Let's face it, I can be a bit, err.... harsh?
Cynical? Critical? You get the idea. After all, it is
only a hobby. There's really no reason to go madly dashing
about destroying the hopes and dreams of modellers who've
built several hundred kits and painted them all with the
help of their neighbour's dog. Especially when tens of
thousands of dollars/pounds have been invested in reference
material that has been studied until self-imposed expert
status has been reached. Reference material that was then
completely ignored when the actual kit in question was
built. So you go on Mr. Disgruntled - send your little
virus thingies if it makes you feel better. If you can
come up with a virus that makes you build better, you
may be on to something.
4) Students.
You can blame them for anything and with good reason - they're always
protesting about this, signing petitions about that, holding sit-ins, chaining
themselves to things, defacing quality advertising, shouting, throwing things.
There's just no pleasing some people, and especially if they're a student.
I should know, I was one once. You should have seen me protest when it came
time to pay that student loan back.
5) A rival model airplane webmaster who is insanely
jealous of my stupendously amazing site and wants to shut me down.
Ummmm...... nah.
6) A super computer gone mad.
Bent on world domination and fuelled by a relentless desire
to rid this planet of the human infestation that is slowly
destroying it. Phase one is the email virus. Phase two
will involve the systematic transformation of every television
station into a home shopping channel. Madness, chaos and
large purchases of Cubic Zirconium will follow until finally
the human race will degenerate into mindless slaves whose
only raison d'etre is to serve their computer master.
This super computer has many names. You may know it as
Visa, or Mastercard, or Amex, or....
So there you have it. My theories about the mysterious "virus people"
- if they are in fact people and not a super computer or a student. And
if the perpetrators are reading this - assuming you can read, of
course - then let me assure you that not one of your pathetic attempts to
infect my computer have been successful, nor are they ever likely to be
successful. Why? Because I'm smarter than you, you dumb shits. :-)
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