Let's face it, I could write volumes on the things I don't understand
in this world, and I'm not just talking about stuff like why hot dogs come
in packs of 8 and hot dog buns in packs of 6, or why drive-through bank
machines have braille buttons. I want to know the bigger picture, the really
important stuff. For instance, I don't understand...
...why I can't buy a digital alarm clock that
will let me snooze for ten minutes.
Two of the many things I don't do well are mornings and
arithmetic, and I am most definitely incapable of doing
both at the same time. So why the hell do digital clock
manufacturers insist on making me do the nine times table
first thing in the morning?! If I set the clock for the
ridiculous hour of 8:00 am, then I want to be able to
hit the snooze button ad nauseum, secure in the knowledge
that I'll be woken at such unholy yet easily calculated
times as 8:10, 8:20 or 8:30. What I don't want,
is to have to drag my brain out of its happy place to
keep track of oddball times like 8:09, 8:18, 8:27, etc.,
etc. We put men on the moon over forty years ago (yes,
we did, tinfoil hat wearers), surely we now have
the technology to rid the world of the nine minute snooze
button?
...how adding interest to a debt will make it
more affordable.
Here's logic for you. Let's say I owe a hypothetical £100.00.
I don't have £100.00. So the lender, in its infinite
wisdom, adds £20.00 in interest. "Oh yeah,
no problem. I don't have a hundred, quid but I can certainly
afford a hundred and twenty quid. Thank you, that's very
kind of you."
And while we're on the subject of debt, what kind of twisted
world do we live in that charges you money to declare
that you have none? I've never actually declared bankruptcy,
but I seriously considered it about 20 years ago. At the
time it cost about $1000.00 Cdn to declare bankruptcy.
So let me get this straight. I'm completely broke and
in debt up to my eyeballs, and it's going to cost me a
thousand dollars to officially declare that I'm completely
broke and in debt up to my eyeballs? Which part of "I'm
flat broke" do you not understand??
...car ads.
The current formula for car ads is to have an impossibly
shiny driverless vehicle in a dreamy, surrealistic setting
finished off with a non-sensical yet terribly snappy one-line
catch phrase. And this compells me to buy your product...
how, exactly?! And of course, let's not forget the all-powerful
"cash back" sales pitch. "Get two thousand
pounds cash back" or the ever popular "Save
two thousand pounds now!". Gee you know, if I don't
buy your shiny surrealistic vehicle, I'll save even more.
Still on the subject of cars, why do we need new models
every year? If a new model is brought out then surely
it must be an improvement on the last model, and if it
isn't then why bother? In a hundred+ years of constantly
improving automobiles, we should all be driving hover
cars by now.
...what happened to the easier
life all this time-saving technology was supposed to grant
us?
Thanks to the wonders of modern labour saving machines
and computers we're all enjoying an easy four day work
week and oodles of leisure time, right?! Well, err....
no, not really. Those of us who are fortunate (or unfortunate,
depending on how much you despise your job) to have not
been replaced by the time-saving technology are actually
working more hours and have less leisure time than ever.
The average work week in Britain is now 47 hours per week,
which is the highest in Europe. Add that to the ever increasing
cost of living coupled with the fact that wages have not
increased to match, means we have even less money to spend
on what little leisure time is available. So, I now have
to work more to buy the time-saving devices that I don't
have time to use. Hmmmm....
...our sense of financial worth.
Some years ago, former Man U footballer David Beckham was paid £10,000,000
for a ten day tour of Japan. A million pounds a day to kick a few footballs
around and chat with some school children. Ten million pounds. A
school teacher in Britain earns, I believe, less than £30,000 a
year. A nurse even less than that. Someone please explain to me why
people who shape the minds of children or save lives are worth absolutely
sweet f.a. compared to a half-wit who can barely string a coherent sentence
together.
...trainspotters.
Completely baffled by this one I'm afraid. Standing about near railways
and writing down the serial numbers of trains as they go past. Why?!? What
is the purpose?! And what the hell do you do with the notebooks full of
serial numbers? I was particularly horrified to learn that there are also
planespotters which, frankly, made me feel a bit funny about being an aviation
fan. It's enough to make you take up knitting.
...people who pay big money to advertise for
big companies.
I'll probably get in trouble from footie fans for this
one because they're a perfect example. For those of you
who aren't familiar with English football (that would
be soccer to you North Americans), team shirts don't actually
have the team's name on here. They have the corporate
sponsor's name on. Manchester United shirts for instance,
don't have "Manchester United" on them, they
have "Vodafone". Fans can fork out a mere 60
quid (I think. It might be even more now) to buy a Man
U shirt which means - and I must confess to being in sheer
awe of the marketing genius here - that they are paying
a ridiculously large sum of money to be a walking billboard
for Vodafone. The same of course can be said for any designer
labels. So, not only are you paying an exorbitant price
for that Tommy Hilfiger or FCUK sweatshirt, you are also
paying an exorbitant price for the privilege of advertising
for them. Clever, ain't it?
By the way, if any of you would like a shiny new "Warped
Plastic" t-shirt I'd be happy to oblige, and I'll
throw in the advertising for free. The shirt's only £79.95
and for a limited time I'll give you £20.00 cash
back. Hurry...!! ;-)
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